Not feeling so good.

Today I woke up feeling not so good. I wonder if this happens to everyone and for most of the days. I woke up feeling like s***. Yes it’s true! And I wonder if anyone gives a f***? No one right! 
I’m angry at life for giving me nothing to be proud about. 

I’m angry at life for giving me people who act so well that their fakness feels like warmth. 

I’m angry at life for giving me diseases and making me fat! 

I’m angry at life for not making me someone who was born nerd. Someone who Loved reading books and doing homework and learning new facts. No! You instead had to go and make me a creative person? Why? Ok fine you did, But what’s the use of making me partially creative? I don’t understand! 
I’m mad at you life for making me stop writing on wattpad when I  was doing so well there! My novel used to get so many votes, comments and views. But had to create and situations due to which I had to leave!! Why? Why? 

I’m hate you life for giving me the skill to sing but not good enough to be a singer. 
I don’t like you life cause I’m lonely and because of you I have to pretend to be fine! When I’m not!!! 

I wanna scream, I wanna rant, I wanna slap some bitches and beacuse of you life I can’t do that! Had it been my last day! I would’ve hurt so many people with a slap and a few hurtful words! 

Because of you life I’m bleeding each day. 

Lets get done with already! 

Aren’t you tired too? 

Let me go life! 

Let me go! 
Do you feel the same right now? 

Have you ever felt the same way? 

Let me know in the comment section below.

Love you all! 

 Is it for forever?

I wonder if my life is always going to stay this way? If I’m always going to feel empty and lonely. Am I ever gonna be truly happy again? Am I ever going to love myself again? Am I ever gonna get true friends ? Who make me priority just like I make them? Am I ever going to love my life? Am I ever going to stop being annoyed? 
Or is it always going to be the same?
The same old routine each day. Getting up, shower, college ( right now its school but since its my last year in school I’ll be going to uni) ,study, eat and then sleep. Is that what my reality is? Should I accept it now? Am I always gonna have fake friends? Am I never going to be the one someone puts before themselves? I’m an outcast! Yes I might be fitting in with my make up sense, fashion sense, life style skills etc. But when will I fit in for what I really am? When will people accept that im different and stop trying to bring me down cause they don’t like me or they are jealous. I get tired too. And right now I’m more than done. It feels as if i should just accept my life as it is. As if life says stop fighting and just accept the reality.
And honestly im starting to believe it. I’m starting to work hard but for something that my heart isn’t ready accept. Im confined to my room and studies. The only break I get from time to time is Korean,Chinese, Taiwanese and american dramas. Its hard you know burying all my talents underground. Its hard to live like this. 
If I’m being honest right now to you. Words like ” life is what you make of it”,” create the life you want to live “,” you always have a choice ” all these are merely words to me. I know many of you maybe be thinking I’m weak, coward,depressed etc but no, I’m none of that. 

I’m just tired cause I fought too much to be where I wanted to be but had to give up. I gave up what I loved the most about myself about me. I see no escape from here. I’m just going in deep and that’s the truth. As much as I deny it. I’m tired and not willing to fight anymore.
Also once the people closest to me are now merely acquaintances. I’m lost in all the spheres of my life. And I no longer know the escape route. I’m in a whirlpool going deeper and deeper by each second.

Do you also feel the same?

Are you in the same situation as mine? 

Have you ever been in a situation like mine? 

Let me know in the comment section below.

Love you all.

How to deal with faces made at you.

So I’m pretty sure that all of you at some point in your life had to deal with people’s judging faces, disgust ( towards you) faces, jealous~angry faces. 

It could be while your giving a public presentation,speech, while walking on the road, travelling in a bus or a train. It could be anywhere. And since you are merely a Stanger to the person who is among those faces at you, you don’t know what to do. 

Some I’m here to give you some tips and tricks on how to deal with such people:

1. IGNORE THEM.

Yes, you can just go ahead with what your doing as if you never noticed those looks. Don’t give any reaction to them. Basically consider them as fools and internally role your eyes at them.

2. SMILE AT THEM.

As much you want to kill them for making faces at you for something you don’t understand. Hell, you did nothing wrong towards them to recieve those faces. Hold back ok! I’m pretty sure you don’t wanna go in jail.

So here try to act a bit and smile at them cause you smiling at them will leave them perflexed. And sometimes they might even return the smile and you’ll resolve the small problem of their disliking towards you. 

3. RETURN THE FACE.

At times you’ll definitely meet some arrogant people who are not willing to give up their stares at you. In this situation, return the same type of stare or face to them. This will instantly make them look away and at something else. Since they now might be a bit shocked as they might have not expected such a reaction from you. Which gradually leads to their embarrassment.

4. CONFRONT THEM.

At times you can even receive these faces from your loved ones. Here you need to stand up for yourselves and confront them for their actions. Discuss and debate on as to why you received that face. And solve the problem. Beacuse sometimes face from the loved ones hurts more than the strangers and can lead to gradual knot in your life. So if you value your relationship then confront and solve this small issue.
P.s these aren’t just some made up tricks and tips. They all have been used my me at various occasions. 

P.S:

I’ve seen many people struggling with this problem while they have to give a public speech or in day to day life. They say your lucky since you have such charisma and confidence on stage. But what they don’t know is that even I went through the same things as them. And it’s a gradual process. Yes I won’t deny the fact that speaking and grabbing attention and of people in a positive way is also a bit of God gift to me. As well as a lots and lots of practice. 

So don’t give up! And continue trying.
( Love you all.

Share your experiences with me, if you’ve been a victim of judgemental faces, stares, disgust faces etc in the comment section below.)

Hurt

You left me burning,

when I needed you the most,

Never have I ever,

begged for help before,

Was down on my knees just to see you leave.
Loneliness doesn’t hurt,

Unanswered love does.

Words doesn’t hurt,

Memories do.
To you,

My pain doesn’t matter,

And I’m here

Trying to heal your’s.
Never have you read,

Those fake smiles

That fake laughter,

red eyes,

And the burning anger.
I wonder,

If im expressionless or are you blind?
Your annoyed cause we fight too much?!

But darling,

You should be happy that I’m still willing to fight,

For you and me,

for us.
The day,

I stop, we are done!

Know it for a fact baby!

When I stop fighting,

My eyes turn cold,

Lips sealed,

And heart full of fire.
None can take a heat like that,

Its cold as ice but burns like acid.
No longer can you reach me then,

I’m of stone by then.

Millions of knots,

Provides for that one stone.
And this my dear!

 Is the worst type of ending.

With a heart full of questions,

But lips stay sealed,

Plastered with a fake smile,

We say goodbye,

Never knowing,

just where we went wrong?!

When she let go’s

Letting you go,

Is all what I’m doing right now.
It hurts,

Yes,

But I can’t let you use me,

For your own greed.

I’ve tried,

I’ve lost.

We are sliping away,

Slowly and gradually, 

A strong wall of separation,

with brawny roots ignites.

I choose the path of loneliness,

Seems better than hurt.

When I’m gone,

And my importance draws in,

Don’t curse me,

For you are the cause.

When I’m gone,

And guilt eats you up,

Don’t try to reach me,

For I’m long gone.
Wishing you farewell,

In hopes to never see your face again.

 My brain wishes misery,hurt and guilt,

To ache your heart forever.

Wishes you restless nights,

And unpleasant mornings.

My heart still remains of gold,

Never daring to cast a spell,

Full of distress and anguish,

I set you free. 

I’m tired

I’m tired

So let me go,

Can’t do this anymore,

You can’t let go of her nor me

“Choose?”

Is all I say,

Inside I’m tired,

I’m hollow

Why can’t I be enough?

When your enough for me?

I’ll let you go,

I’ve done that before,

I’m use to it,

For once I wanted to be the one,

For once I wanted to hold the position same as what you hold in my heart,

I guess I’m not good enough.
Everyday I’m crossing my limits,

Just to be the one you need,

But don’t ever see you doing the same,

I hate the fact two are fighting over you,

I hate that I’m fighting for you,

Better choose now,

For now I’m tired,

I’ll be leaving soon.
Im just a filler,

that’s all what I am,

Im dying daily,

I’ll be leaving soon,

I need school to be over,

So that im done with this phase of my life,

I’m tired,

I’m dead,

No one sees that,

I wish you’d see

And help,

I begged they left,

I can’t do the same! No more,

Slowly I’ll built a cage around me,

Slowly I’ll shut this world out,

Slowly I’ll never be the same again,

Slowly I’ll loose myself,

And I wonder if your the one to blame?

You should have called

Dear friend,

Your the only close friend I have right now. You should have called back today! When I opened up to you about something so big. Something I’ve never done before. Something I regret going. Something I shouldn’t be doing. You should have called back. 
I know someone called you while we were talking. I know that your mum wanted your phone as she needed to talk to someone but after she was done with the call you should hace called. I also know we have a test tomorrow but still I needed\wanted you to call back.
Today I told you about how I hurt myself last Saturday. You felt sorry for me. You wanted to help me. You said I should call you whenever I feel like doing it again, even if it’s 2am in the night. But how do I call you,when you make me feel so unsure about you. I know you mean all hood things. But today you should have called back. You said you would when I called you again. Then why didn’t you? If only you would have called again I wouldn’t regret telling you my deepest secret. I know you’ll keep my secret to yourself but it would have comforted me if only…. You would have called.
Sometimes I wonder, what am I to you?

A friend?close friend?best friend?

I’ll never say from my mouth that I need you. But I guess knowing me as you do my eyes should be enough of a sign. You know I’ve been going through shit for the past 2 years and now its gooten worse. But one good thing is that I have now foumd the solution. 

(Maybe hurting myself wasn’t that bad after all. Yes I regret it. But now its a part of me. It shows the pain I’m in. I’m sorry buy now I embrace that reality of myself. Yes I’m still not happy. But at least I found out some ways in which I can deal with my problems.)
I takes a lot to open up my friend but I only takes a click to call. 

That call would have meant the world to me. 

We would have come one step closer. 

Cause now ill be shouting up on you. The one thing I never wanted to do.
( have you ever done something so brave and regretted just like me? If yes, then let me know I’m not the only one in the comment section below.
Love you all. Take care.

Fighting!!!

Lostgirl)